Baby is doing WONDERFUL

The baby is doing wonderful, strong heart beat and is growing every day. At our last ultrasound the baby was moving all over the place. I am starting to be able to feel the baby flutter around inside. It is such an AMAZING feeling to be pregnant and to have a little life growing inside of me and to feel it fluttering about. I am now 12 weeks along and even though I've been sick it's been an amazing experience, I am looking forward to the rest of the pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood. It is something I have dreamed about for a VERY long time and now god has blessed me with a gift, a gift that I will be eternally grateful for. This baby will be brought in to the world surrounded ( SP ) By love, he or she has ALOT Of people waiting to welcome him or her into this world.

Life is going ok. Hitting some hard times right now, but I'm sure we will get through them. Although remaining optimistic is VERY hard but I know god has a plan for us and his will, will be done. Everything happens for a reason, he has given us the gift of a baby, I know he will pull us through this tough time. Life has it's up's and downs. You just have to be strong enough to deal with all the aspects of life, we all wish life was level and that nothing ever went wrong, however that's not the case, life has bumps, you have to go over those bumps with caution and treat the bumps as learning experiences. I'm not sure if this is making any sense, I may just be rambling but I guess I needed to vent.

I'll try to be better at updating my blog.

A BIG Day For Me :)

I have some BIG New's to share with everyone.! I AM PREGNANT! I'm about a month along and my estimated due date is 8/11/07. Everyone PLEASE PLEASE Pray for a healthy and safe pregnancy And A Healthy Baby. I'm considered Extremly high risk, so I'm a little scared but VERY VERY VERY Excited. This is something I've been waiting for my whole life. When I was a child and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I said "A Momma" And after the drs telling me I would never get pregnant God gave me a christmas Miracle. God Bless Each And Every One Of You And Remember To ALWAY'S Believe!

So I'm sitting here feeling blah today, listening to my radio, and what comes on? "Life ain't alway's beautiful by Gary Allan" Coincidence? Not sure if it was or if it was a sign that yeah life sure as heck isn't beautiful right now but it is hopefully headed in that direction. I had a pretty good day today, except during the afternoone/evenings I start to get depressed, Aggitated and more anxious then I had been throughout the day. Not sure what's up with that. I go see my Family dr tomorrow and my therapist. I'm really tired tonight, that could have something to do with it. Although I did sleep well last night FINALLY! woke up after only 3 hrs but took something to knock me out for the rest of the night. Not much else to report. Will write again when I'm feeling better, or more stressed, lol!

What A Week It's Been! 11/20

Ok so my depression worsened. I was suicidal and my depression and anxiety hit rock bottom. I went up to St Joe's ER, only to be thrown into the psych ward! When I got up to the unit and realized it was a locked unit with no TV or Phone in the room it freaked me out and I acted like a crazy person, but who wouldn't when they are not used to being in that kind of environment. The first night was the worst. They allowed my mom to stay with me to calm me down. The next day, I woke up a little hesitent to start my day. I went and had breakfast in the dining room with everyone else, felt VERY akward not knowing a single person in there. As the day went on I met with a social worker, a medical DR, a psychatrist whom I did NOT trust, activity therapists, and nurses! I was VERY apprehensive, however I went to groups and therapies as requested by my psychatrist and nurses. I found the groups to be EXTREMLY helpful and actually some of them were rather fun. I met a lot of nice people who were going through the same thing I was. Alway's nice to know your not alone.

I have been home almost a week and I'm doing remarkably better. Although I still get Anxious, I'm no longer "Scared" and I was able to go run errands with my husband yesterday. Sure did feel good to get out of the house, although when I got home I felt overwhelemed. My mind is still in a very fragile state but all in all I am improving!

Thanks for checking in! God Bless!

Why is life so frusterating?

You strive to make everyone else happy. Do what everyone else want's you to do, sometime's you do things just make someone else happy even though deep down inside it is killing you. I haven't put up a christmas tree or really "Celebrated" Christmas for the past 7 years since my godson passed away. I know christmas is to celebrate the birth of christ. For him I am VERY thankful for all that he sacrificed for me and my family/friends's, and I do celebrate his birth. Just in my own way. I Also, know it's been 7 years since Leo earned his angel wings and that he's flying free of pain and suffering and I should move on and live a happy life, but it's SO hard to do when a HUGE part of your life is missing and you will never be able to fill that void. Why is it so hard for everyone else to understand? I don't feel like putting up a christmas tree this year, although my husband is making me do it and while I appreciate his efforts, I wish he would let me do it at my own pace. I've been on a Natural "high" for a few day's only for it to come crashing down when I really need to be happy and keep my mind off thing's. I sometimes think I would be better off to just crawl under a rock during the holiday season and let everyone around me celebrate so I don't "rain on their parade". Instead I try to make the best of it. However, it's never good enough. I don't know how much more I can "pretend" that it's ok to put everyone first and my feeling's aside. I do the best I can to make everyone happy and to accomodate everyone else, sometime's my feeling's, desires and happiness get's pushed aside. People wonder why I "Break". Why I get frusterated and depressed. I used to be happy go lucky, a fun person to be around. Lately, I feel useless, helpless, unappreciated, disrespected, unloved and like a door mat. So much for my "Natural High".

New Blog

Ok so I've decided to start a new blog. I used to have myspace but it got hacked! :( So figured I'd use blog spot. Somone very close to me suggested that I start a new blog as I have found blogging to be extremly theraputic. So not really gonna do a blog tonight as it's getting past my bed time! Talk to you all soon!